Trying to kill the pain of whatever it is that aches in you will eventually kill you.
I woke up in the ER confused, dirty, bloody and connected to tubes with absolutely no memory of how I got there. I immediately started to pull needles out of my arms and try to get up. One of my sister’s was already there trying to calm me down. Nurses were saying I needed to have an MRI. Apparently, one of my pupils was dilated and one was not. I didn’t know what happened, but I knew it was bad. All I could think was I had to go pick up M and E.
It was bad. Everyone knew. I was terrified. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I was sick.
The next morning I was on my way to a drug and alcohol treatment center in Wilkinsburg. My sister came down from Canada and scooped M and E back with her, thankfully. My work knew I was in an accident and needed to be hospitalized. I hoped that was all they knew.
I agreed to 28 days of inpatient treatment after they agreed I could call the kids everyday. I knew they were safe, but I had to hear their voices. (They were 3.5 and 6 at that point.)
After about 3 days of a Librium detox for acute alcohol withdraw, I started the actual rehab.
I actually said, “OMG. Where am I? I have been misplaced!” The response from the staff was basically, have a seat – you are right where you belong.
All I wanted was out. I felt I didn’t need that kind of prison like counseling. I thought my only problem was that my husband died and I was sad. I was smart, I was educated, I had a good job, I had great kids – this was not for me.
I was there because I was afraid. I was afraid to lose M and E. I was afraid to lose my job. I was afraid of the legal consequences I was about to face. So, I read what they told me to read. I said what they wanted to hear, but I was there for the wrong reasons.
I talked my way into leaving a few days early. I went back to work. I agreed to go to out patient in the evenings. I picked up the kids.
I did nothing to change.
I don’t think I got past 35 days before I had another drink and was right back in my pathetic pattern.
I would soon find out - what one puts in front of their recovery – one will lose.