Thursday, April 2, 2015

Is 3 Really a Charm?

I’m not sure if the screaming was just in my head or actually coming out of me.  The house was spinning and I fell to my knees sobbing.  My stomach was in my throat.  I was shaking and crying.  What just happened?

The only reasons I willing to choke breath into my lungs each day were taken.  My children, Rich’s children, were taken because I was an unfit mother.  Oh. My. God.

I frantically called the phone number on the notice to explain a mistake had been made.  I found out the women from the county, who were knocking on my door, went over to the elementary school and removed the kids from their 1st and 3rd grade classrooms.  They were taken to the ER.  I can’t even imagine how confused and scared they must have been.  A sister of mine picked them up.  I was informed to report to family court on Monday.

The kids were with my sister over that weekend so I was able to talk to them each day and I knew they were safe and with someone who loved them. Thank God.

Of course, all I wanted to do was drink the feelings of shame and guilt away.  I tried so hard not to.  I stayed the weekend at the boyfriend’s – who was (is) a pot activist.  Marijuana was so not my drug of choice, but I had to do something.  I had to quiet my humiliation and rumination.  On top of all my mortification, I was paranoid and hungry!  Grrr.

I thought, come Monday morning everyone will know this was a mistake.  I’ll walk in and they’ll all see my sweet-self and hear how eloquently I speak and notice how smart I am and M and E will rush into my arms and we’ll all live happily ever after.  (Delusions and lies an addict tells herself.)  Plus, I was bringing my cut throat lawyer boyfriend.


Neither my charms nor my lawyer boyfriend’s puffed chest made a difference to the judge.  Multiple complaints from the school are taken pretty seriously in family court.  The kids were assigned an advocate, their own lawyer, from Kids Voice, who were none too pleased that lawyer boyfriend was named in the complaint.  The judged ordered the kids to be taken out of my custody for 30 days.  In that time, I was to have a drug and alcohol evaluation and she strongly suggested I follow whatever recommendations they made.  Oh, they drug tested me that day at the courthouse and I came up positive for THC.  Damn it!  I wasn’t even a pot smoker!  Grrr.

One of Rich’s uncles was at the court that day.  He drove me home and I cried the whole way.  He said he and his wife wanted to help me and the kids in any way they could.  He offered to take the kids until this whole mess was over.  I agreed.  He lived in Robinson Twp. – no where close to the kids’ school. 

Amazingly, our school district, NA, arraigned a van to pick up M and E each day in Robinson and get them to school and back.  Wow!  That was huge and I know the principal had a lot to do with that.  She was fighting for the safety and wellness of my family.  I know that now and I knew that then. And I’m grateful.

No big surprise the folks at Gateway Rehab recommended I go to inpatient treatment.  Off I went to my third hospitalization…