Fear Can Not Keep Me Sober

Trying to kill the pain of whatever it is that aches in you will eventually kill you. 

I woke up in the ER confused, dirty, bloody and connected to tubes with absolutely no memory of how I got there.  I immediately started to pull needles out of my arms and try to get up.  One of my sister’s was already there trying to calm me down.  Nurses were saying I needed to have an MRI.  Apparently, one of my pupils was dilated and one was not.  I didn’t know what happened, but I knew it was bad.  All I could think was I had to go pick up M and E.

It was bad.  Everyone knew.  I was terrified.  I was embarrassed.  I was ashamed.  I was sick.

The next morning I was on my way to a drug and alcohol treatment center in Wilkinsburg.  My sister came down from Canada and scooped M and E back with her, thankfully.  My work knew I was in an accident and needed to be hospitalized.  I hoped that was all they knew. 

I agreed to 28 days of inpatient treatment after they agreed I could call the kids everyday.  I knew they were safe, but I had to hear their voices.  (They were 3.5 and 6 at that point.)   

After about 3 days of a Librium detox for acute alcohol withdraw, I started the actual rehab. 

I actually said, “OMG.  Where am I?  I have been misplaced!”  The response from the staff was basically, have a seat – you are right where you belong.

All I wanted was out.  I felt I didn’t need that kind of prison like counseling.  I thought my only problem was that my husband died and I was sad.  I was smart, I was educated, I had a good job, I had great kids – this was not for me.

I was there because I was afraid.  I was afraid to lose M and E.  I was afraid to lose my job.  I was afraid of the legal consequences I was about to face.  So, I read what they told me to read.  I said what they wanted to hear, but I was there for the wrong reasons.

I talked my way into leaving a few days early.  I went back to work.  I agreed to go to out patient in the evenings.  I picked up the kids.

I did nothing to change.

I don’t think I got past 35 days before I had another drink and was right back in my pathetic pattern.

I would soon find out - what one puts in front of their recovery – one will lose.